Witty

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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Did you know

VERY GOOD ABNORMAL KNOWLEDGE... DO YOU KNOW ? 

 1. *Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.* 

 2. *The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.*

 3. *The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.* 

 4. *The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.* 

 5. *Ants never sleep!*

 6. *"I Am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.* 

 7. *Coca-Cola was originally green.* 

 8. *The most common name in the world is Mohammed.* 

 9. *When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.* 

 10. *Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.*  

11. *There are only two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."*  

12. *The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.*  

13. *There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.* 

 14. *TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.*

 15. *Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.*

 16. *Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects their heart and nervous system.* 

 17. *Women blink nearly twice as much as men!*

 18. *You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.* 

 20. *The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.* 

 21. *People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.* 

 22. *It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky* 

 23. *The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.* 

 24. *"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.*

 25. *If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.*

 26. *Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.* *Spades* - *King David* *Clubs - Alexander the Great,* *Hearts - Charlemagne* *Diamonds - Julius Caesar.*  

27. *It is impossible to lick your elbow.* 

 28. *111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321* 

 29. *If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.* *If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.* *If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.* 

 30. *What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?* Ans. - *All invented by women.* 

 31.Question - *This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?* Ans. - *Honey.* 

 32. *A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.* 

 33. *A snail can sleep for three years.* 

 34. *All polar bears are left handed.* 

 35. *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.* 

 36. *Butterflies taste with their feet.* 

 37. *Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.* 

 38. *In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.* 

 39. *On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.* 

 40. *Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.* 

 41. *The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.* 

 42. *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.*

 43. *The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.* 

 44. *Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.*

 45. *Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times* 

 46. *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

* 48. *Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.*

Witty

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: 

It dissolves marriages, families and careers!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:

Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive!

One nice thing about egoists:

They don't talk about other people!

1. A man who wants a pretty nurse, must be patient.

2. A man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to a conclusion. 

3. A man running in front of a car gets tyred; And a man running behind a car, gets exhausted. 

4. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

5. A man who drives like hell, is bound to get there.

6. Toilets are a great place to think. No wonder they are called "Sochalayas"....

Lateral thinking

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking... 

Just Check It Out! 

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself. Think like a wizard;    

      man

1. ------------

     board

Ans. = man onboard

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.  

       

      stand

2. ------------

        i  

Ans. = I understand

OK...

Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you perform?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

Ans. = reading between the lines

      R

4. Road

      A

      D

Ans. = cross road 

Not having a good day now, are you? 

Redeem yourself.

5. cyclecyclecycle

Ans. = tricycle

Easy to figure out, ha!!! 

          0

6. _________

    M.D.Ph.D.

Ans. = two degrees below zero (-2°)

C'mon give it a little thought !!!

      knee

7. ------------

      light

Ans. = neon light ( knee - on - light )

I'm sure you'll have no problem getting this one.

    ground

8. ---------------

feet feet feet feet feet feet

Ans. = six feet underground

Good One, try this!!! 

9. he's / himself

Ans. = he's by himself 

Here's an easy one!!

10. ecnalg

Ans. = backward glance

Not even close ??? !!! 

11. death ..... life

Ans. = Life after Death

Okay last chance .

12. THINK

Ans. = think big ! !

And the last one is very funny---

13. Ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...

               

                                                                                        

                                                                              Ans. = long time no 'C'

😜😜😜😝😝😝😂😂😂

Shortest flight

https://apple.news/A2oooaeBEQIW_tBHAmDEk-g

Puns

Shamelessly stolen...

""Lexophile" describes those that have a love for sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish,"  and, "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile.  

This year's submissions:  

◾I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.  

◾England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.  

◾Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

◾This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

◾I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.  

◾A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.  

◾When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.  

◾I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.  

◾A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.  

◾A will is a dead giveaway.  

◾With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.  

◾Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.  

◾Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now.  

◾A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.  

◾The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.  

◾He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.  

◾When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.  

◾Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.  

◾I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.  

◾Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?  

◾When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.  

◾When chemists die, they barium.  

◾I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

◾I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

◾Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end."

क्रमांक

*1.* क्षेत्रफल की दृष्टि से राजस्थान का देश में कौन सा स्थान है ?

*2.* मोदी सरकार का यह कौनसा कार्यकाल है ?

*3.* कितने चम्मच से एक टेबल स्पून बनता है ?

*4.*  हिन्दू पुराणों में कितने वेद होते हैं ?

*5.* राष्ट्रपति का कार्यकाल कितने वर्ष का होता है ?

*6.* भारत की तुलना में और कितने देशों का क्षेत्रफल बड़ा है ?

*7.* पानी का Ph. मान क्या होता है ?

*8.* सौर मण्डल में कुल कितने ग्रह हैं ?

*9.* संविधान की कौन सी अनुसूची प्रथम संशोधन द्वारा शामिल की गई ?

*10.* कितने मिलीमीटर का एक सेंटीमीटर बनता है ?

*11.* एक फुटबॉल टीम में कितने खिलाड़ी होते हैं ?

*12.* कितने इंच का एक फीट होता है ?

*13.* उद्देश्य प्रस्ताव दिसम्बर की किस तारीख को प्रस्तुत किया गया था ?

*14.* लोकसभा में पारित बजट को राज्यसभा कितने दिनों तक रोक सकती है ?

*15.* एक समय का वाहन कर कितने वर्षों के लिए वैध होता है ?

*16.* शटल कॉक में कितने पंख होते हैं ?

*17.* भारतीय मुद्रा में कितनी भाषाएँ छपी होती हैं ?

*18.* महाभारत में कुल कितने अध्याय हैं ?

*19.* वाक् एवं अभिव्यक्ति की स्वतंत्रता का अधिकार संविधान के किस अनुच्छेद में है ?

*20.* टी -20 क्रिकेट में प्रति टीम कितने ओवर होते हैं ?

*21.* महात्मा गाँधी ने दक्षिण अफ्रीका में कुल कितने वर्ष गुजारे थे ?

*22.* भारत के संविधान में मूलतः कितने भाग हैं ?

*23.* मानव शरीर में कुल कितने जोड़ी गुणसूत्र (क्रोमोजोम) होते हैं ?

*24.* एक अशोक चक्र में कुल कितनी लाइन्स होती हैं ?

*25.* M.L.A. बनने के लिए कम से कम कितने वर्ष आयु की अनिवार्यता होती है ?

                *.....उत्तर....*

सभी प्रश्नों के उत्तर उनके *"क्रमांक"* ही हैं।

🙏🌹😊

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827