Witty

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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Did you know

VERY GOOD ABNORMAL KNOWLEDGE... DO YOU KNOW ? 

 1. *Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.* 

 2. *The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.*

 3. *The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.* 

 4. *The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.* 

 5. *Ants never sleep!*

 6. *"I Am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.* 

 7. *Coca-Cola was originally green.* 

 8. *The most common name in the world is Mohammed.* 

 9. *When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.* 

 10. *Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.*  

11. *There are only two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."*  

12. *The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.*  

13. *There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.* 

 14. *TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.*

 15. *Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.*

 16. *Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects their heart and nervous system.* 

 17. *Women blink nearly twice as much as men!*

 18. *You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.* 

 20. *The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.* 

 21. *People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.* 

 22. *It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky* 

 23. *The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.* 

 24. *"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.*

 25. *If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.*

 26. *Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.* *Spades* - *King David* *Clubs - Alexander the Great,* *Hearts - Charlemagne* *Diamonds - Julius Caesar.*  

27. *It is impossible to lick your elbow.* 

 28. *111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321* 

 29. *If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.* *If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.* *If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.* 

 30. *What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?* Ans. - *All invented by women.* 

 31.Question - *This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?* Ans. - *Honey.* 

 32. *A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.* 

 33. *A snail can sleep for three years.* 

 34. *All polar bears are left handed.* 

 35. *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.* 

 36. *Butterflies taste with their feet.* 

 37. *Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.* 

 38. *In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.* 

 39. *On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.* 

 40. *Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.* 

 41. *The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.* 

 42. *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.*

 43. *The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.* 

 44. *Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.*

 45. *Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times* 

 46. *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

* 48. *Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.*